Spring had arrived. He had put in for his retirement. I thought it was going to be June or July. Turned out it would be September or October. I was uneasy about the length of time he would continue to be away. But I was again, clinging to hope that things were going to be alright.
We had agreed that we would give our marriage the chance it deserved. I'm sure it was an uneasy alliance. But I was willing to deal with anything to keep my family intact.
At the end of April I was off on a girl's trip. He was coming home while I was away and would be home another week after I returned at the beginning of May. I had a great time on my trip. I had a chance to get away and clear my head. He called me often while I was gone. Normal husband and wife stuff. I was feeling pretty confident about us.
I got home and we had a good reunion. I think it was a little tense on my part. I vowed not to ask any questions, make any waves or anything. We hung out a lot. As the week wound down, I asked if we were 'okay'. He said we were. I asked if things had been resolved with her? Did she know he was retiring and coming home to be with me? He said she didn't know and it wasn't any of her concern. There was nothing between them. Things with us were good. I could finally begin to breathe a little. I wasn't going to completely exhale until he was permanently back home, but oxygen was starting to flow again.
On day in June, we were talking on the phone as I was driving home from work. I remember asking him a question about whether or not he was excited to be coming home and he hesitated. He said something, I can't remember just what it was now, but something that made me stop breathing again. He was unsure but he didn't want to talk about it. No matter what I tried, he would not get into the details with me, but said he would talk to me on that following Saturday.
Saturday was my daughter's birthday. It was also the day they were having a graduation party for her boyfriend and the day before he was leaving home for a 5 week summer program at college.
It was also the 3rd time he asked me for a divorce.
I was at party and the phone rang. I went out to my car to take the call. He started in on the same thing as always. He wanted a divorce. He couldn't say why. Love me, not in love...blah blah blah. I thought my head was going to explode. I just lost my shit. I was screaming and yelling, crying and angry as hell. I can barely remember all the words that passed between us. She was still in the picture somehow. She was getting a divorce. But I was supposed to believe that her divorce had no effect on my pending divorce. Yada yada yada.
I wish I could remember more than just the pain and agony of the conversation. I wish I had recorded it so that I could recount all of the things we said back and forth but I can't. It was all just a rush of emotions.
Three strikes and I'm out. Third time was a charm. I could not take it anymore. He had given me permission to let go. And let go I did. I had to in order to begin to climb out of this hole he had dragged me into.
I just didn't know if I could make it out.
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