Running and Running

In August of 2009 my daughter and I took a weekend trip to Washington DC to see the sights in the Nation’s Capital. It was a great trip and I saw a town that was lively bustling and the center of the political world that I was really interested in. We stayed in Bethesda MD where the Navy Hospital is and I found MD to be quite suburban and quiet with quick access to the grand style of DC. I decided then and there that if I ever got the chance to, I was going to move to DC.

At that point I knew that my marriage was in trouble and somewhere inside of me I knew that I was probably going to end up divorced although I fought tooth and nail to prevent it from happening.

A year later in the summer of 2010 I knew for certain that my marriage was over and I committed myself then to following my dream and moving to DC after my daughter graduated from high school in 2011. And it’s what I did.

I decided to leave everyone and everything I knew to move away. To escape the memories of two years of awful pain and turmoil. To escape the memories of a future I would never ever see. I just had to leave that house, that town, that state, that reality. I ran.

I convinced myself that I was not running. I was just determined to be on my own, make my own decisions and forge a new independence where I didn’t have to think about anyone but myself. I wasn’t going to answer to anyone. And if I’m honest right now, I was sick of letting other people decide my future for me. My ex-husband decided that our marriage wasn’t what he wanted anymore. He decided that OUR future wasn’t HIS future and I had no say so in the matter.

As a tried and true control freak, this was the hardest thing to take. I had lost control. So I did what I determined was going to give me back my control. Sell everything and leave. And so I did.

Interesting thing about that, though, was I was that I soon figured out that I had left all of the good things about my life too. I didn’t just run away from the bad memories, I ran away from the great ones too. I left a job I loved and a home I absolutely loved. Every scratched wall and cobweb and creaky stair. I ran away from a nurturing family. From my kids who give my life meaning. And worse, I ran from this circle of family and friends that would face the hounds of hell on my behalf – and win. My friends who are fierce, loyal, honest, real, flawed, smart, sassy, wrong and right, good and bad. I left a security and safety net that I never really thought I needed or wanted. And I was wrong. I ran away from the best of me.

But now I’m running back. It took all of 3 months to realize how empty I was inside without them.  I was sunk in a depression that I could not escape because my medication was in New York. My mood stabilizers were back home. My serenity was with them. I decided to get well again. To face myself and why I was running and then to turn around and run back.

Things in DC aren’t horrible. I got a great job and a lovely apartment, a nurturing boyfriend and I got to meet the President of the United States and the First Lady but none of that means anything without my everything. And my circle is everything.

I want to wholeheartedly apologize to my circle for not allowing you to help me heal. For leaving you behind and not being there to help you deal with your own stuff. For abandoning ship.

I’m coming home and I can’t imagine anything, except a great big lottery win, that would make me any happier.

 
I love you!
Mona