Scene 4: Home Sweet Phone

We finish up our California vacation and head back home. Once home I am confident that being back here will help him to realize all that he has. Our family, home, dog. All of the things he misses being away. If he can just touch reality, then everything can go back to normal. 

And it seemed to do just that for the week that he was home. We talked about the things that were going on with his life in the military. The medical problems and her. We were pretty open and honest. We spent time together but I must admit I was VERY clingy at this time. I was not myself at all. I was afraid to let him out of my sight. I was terrified of it. All because of that damn cell phone.

He kept his cell phone on serious lockdown. It was hidden from my view day and night. I think he slept with it under his pillow. And *that* made me crazy. A classic sign that things were not as easy breezy as I wanted them to be. He insisted that he was not talking to her in any way, not voice, email or text. But he was like Houdini with that phone. It stayed disappeared. And the more it did the more paranoid I became. 

We finally had the "talk" right before he had left. We hashed out his feelings, hashed out my feelings. Talked about why I felt like I had to stalk him. Talked about that fucking phone. Everything came out that night and I felt so much better. 

He told me that everything was going to be alright. He told me that he was going to retire and come home and we were going to work it all out. He told me that I didn't have anything to worry about when he went back to his duty station. He was going to end it, even though he also insisted that nothing had ever gotten started. 

Whew. That was a close one! I knew it. A week at home was all he needed. 

Right?

See you here again soon.  

Scene 3: Fightin' Dirty

Fight. That's what I needed to do. I needed to fight for my man. 

Now it's important to note here that when I was teenager I vowed that I would never get into a fight with another girl about a boy/man. I mean, what was the point? If he didn't want me then fuck 'em, right? I am not afraid of a fight, mind you. I have a big brother so throwing down wasn't the issue. It was the idea that I would fight over a man? Nah, not me. 

Fast forward several decades and here I sit in a room at my mother-in-law's house trying to figure out how to fight for my man. I felt like I was in enemy territory. I was surrounded by his family and I didn't have anyone to turn to here. I was feeling very isolated. 

We tipped toed around each other for a day or so. At that point we were saying out loud that we were breaking up. But inside my head I was working on a game plan. Something...anything to keep my marriage together. But what? 

One thing I had was proximity. He was with me. I needed to take full advantage of the fact that we were in the same place. 

We talked. He told me repeatedly that he loved me but he wasn't in love with me. (I swear if I hear that bullshit sentence one more time in this lifetime I will kill someone.) Every time he said it, a slice of my heart was cut away. 

I tried hard to understand where he was coming from but I was getting desperate. So did the only thing I could think of at the time. I used what I had. Sex. I was sure that if I could reach him in this way, that I could him back to his senses. And it kind of worked. We began relaxing with each other. We were starting to be a little more like our normal selves. I felt confident that I found the missing link. He just needed to get laid and everything would be alright again. 

I was anxious to finish our time in California and get back home for the last week of his trip. He just needed to remember us and our life. All I had to do was get him back to our house and our life and all of the pieces would fall back together. He needed to cut the grass, play with the dogs, sleep in his own bed and balance would be restored. 

But was I right? 

Back here sooner than you think!

Mona

Scene 2: Growing Apart?

So we're back to the surreal fireworks display going on over my head while my world explodes right in my face.

He's telling me that we've grown apart? What? Grown apart? When? Just 6 months ago we had the best time of our lives. I never sensed one ounce of trouble then? When did we grow apart?

According to him he had been feeling that way for a year or so. When asked why he never said anything to me, he says that he was 'just trying to figure out why I was feeling this way.' I immediately call bullshit on this play, but whatever.

*side note - it has taken me a year to analyze this whole 'grow apart' crap. I will acknowledge that when he left for his duty stations I got to stay home and live my life normally, so I never 'grew apart' from anything. He was out there 'growing apart' on his own. Well I don't think he grew anywhere except in his selfishness. But I will concede the 'apart' part. See...I'm not *all* bitter!

So, here we are and I am ready to leave and go back home. I talk to my very wise mother who insists, "Don't you go anywhere, girl. You better stay there and fight!" 

So fight is what I decided to do. And trust me, I end up pretty battered and bruised in the end. 

See you back later!

Scene 1: My Spidey Sense

So what did I feel and when? Well we have to go back to Christmas of 2008. He was home for several weeks over Christmas and New Years and it was literally one of the best holidays that we'd ever had. We spent so much time together. We laughed a lot and spent lots of time with family. It was just a really good time. 

He was going to try to come home in February or March, but work duties were getting in the way. He was out of the country a lot during that time. But we kept making plans, month after month, but it just never worked out. 

In April 2009 my internal husband meter, my spidey sense, was going off at an alarming rate. I strongly sensed that something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I was so desperate to get him home or go see him. I just felt like I needed to connect. I don't know who, what, where, when or why but *something* was amiss. But again, that connection just never happened. 

We had a planned vacation to California for early July to see his mom for her 60th birthday so I knew that I would eventually see him. Waiting 6 months had happened before so it wasn't that big of a deal, but that damn meter never died away. 

My daughter and I were meeting him in Atlanta and the 3 of us were flying together from there to Los Angeles. 

We arrived first and hurried to his gate to meet him. I was so excited. He was one of the last off the plane and as soon as I looked in his eyes I knew something was different. I didn't know it then like I know it now, but bells, whistles and sirens were going off inside of me like a 5 alarm fire. 

I tried to ignore it but the whole flight there I knew that the man who I saw at Christmas was not the guy sleeping next to me on the plane. 

I just could not have imagined how different he had become. 

See you back here soon!

The Prequel: A Storm?

So we begin where we left off. I was kicked in the stomach by the knowledge that my husband of 19 years was kind-of-but-not-really involved with someone else. But what the hell was really going on here?

Before the kick in the stomach, we had been married for 19 years. Happily married I might add. We were "the" couple. We had 2 kids, 2 dogs, a home, cars, good jobs and we loved each other. We laughed, finished each other sentences and had plans for our future once the kids were out of the house. 

He's in the military and because of his duty stations we had been living apart for 6 years. It was hard but we were doing it. And doing it well. We stayed in touch every day. He knew everything that went on with the house and kids. He came home whenever he could. We were doing like many other military families and doing the best we could with what we had.

So what do I think?

1. He was one year from retiring after 23 years and his career wasn't ending the way he wanted it to.  

2. He'd had some medical issues. 

3. He was over 40. 

It was a perfect storm of mid-life crisis bullshit swirling all around me. The trifecta of tragedy coming right for me. I saw it but did not know that it was really going to go down like that. I really didn't. But what did I see? 

See you back here again.

Mona

The Pilot: Fireworks

It was July 4, 2009. Under the backdrop of fireworks bursting in air I discovered my husband on the phone with another woman. He at first tried to convince me that it was "work" but I knew better. It was his tone. He talked to "work" in a softness I had never heard before. He realized he was busted. After he hung up I asked pointedly, "Are you cheating on me?" And to my surprise and dismay he said yes. 

More surprising than his yes was my reaction. I did not throw up, like I had imagined I would. I did not fall on the ground in a sobbing heaping mess. I did not karate chop him in the neck or kick him in the balls. I just stood there in utter shock and just started asking questions. 

Who was she? Someone in the Navy

Where did they meet. Chief's Mess

Was she black? Yes 

Was she skinny? No she was average.

Had he slept with her? No

Had he had any romantic encounters of any kind? No

Did he love her? Yes. Wait, I don't know. (?!?!)

What's her name? He wouldn't tell me. He did say her initials were YZ but I think he made that up. 

How did this happen? 

Now that's exactly what this blog is going to be all about. Figuring out why this happened and cataloging the process from then to now.

Spoiler Alert: Ultimately I doesn't matter how it happened. I am divorcing his cheating ass!

See you next time. Same place.

Mona